The offsite

7:00 a.m. Woken at a lake lodge three hours from the city by a group text from Graham: “Rise and grind team!!! Breakfast is at 7:30, let’s bring the ENERGY.” It’s not a group text. It’s a WhatsApp group called “Halberd Q4 Offsite 🚀”. I’ve muted it. I can still feel it.

7:30 a.m. Breakfast is a buffet. Lionel is at the buffet. Lionel is wearing a fleece with the firm’s logo on it and shorts. Seeing a partner’s knees is like seeing a teacher at the supermarket. Everyone looks at the eggs instead.

9:00 a.m. Opening session: “Who Are We, Really?” A facilitator called Sasha asks us to describe Halberd in one word. Answers include “dynamic,” “passionate,” and from a first-year analyst who hasn’t learned yet, “tired.” Sasha writes “tired” on the flipchart, then quietly turns the page.

10:15 a.m. Trust exercise. I’m paired with Graham. Graham is meant to catch me. Graham is on his phone. I don’t fall. Sasha says this is “really interesting data.”

11:30 a.m. Breakout session: “Blue Sky Thinking.” We’re asked to imagine the firm with “no constraints.” My group suggests fewer late nights. Graham, presenting back for our group, says we suggested “more scalable delivery models.” I didn’t know you could launder an idea that fast. Truly a gifted man.

1:00 p.m. Lunch by the lake. It’s beautiful. There are loons. I check my email under the table because the client has sent 14 emails since 9 a.m. and they don’t know or care that there are loons.

3:00 p.m. Mandatory fun: kayaking. Lionel and Graham share a kayak. They go in a circle for twenty minutes. Nobody helps. This is the most united the team has felt all year.

6:00 p.m. Dinner and awards. I win “Most Likely to Be Online at 2 a.m.” The prize is a mug. The mug says “Fueled by Coffee and Deadlines.” I’ll use it until I die, which at this rate is soon.

9:40 p.m. Back in my room. 112 unread. Graham messages the group: “What a day team!!! Tomorrow let’s take this energy back to the office 🔥”. It’s Saturday tomorrow.

9:41 p.m. He means the office.